Scars and Shadows
In pain she was forged
In fear she learned
Pain became a shield
And fear a sword
Latter pain would bleed
A mortal wound upon her soul
Latter fear would spread
And fill the world with shadows
Given time pain can ease
And wounds heal
Given time fear can fade
And the shadows retreat
But the scar will always remain
And the shadows always visible
The negative, painful, and traumatic moments in our lives always leave an imprint upon us and transform us in ways we could never imagine before. Sometimes it’s a moment, sudden and sharp. In such cases the shock can cause as much damage as the wound. Sometimes it’s a lifetime, weeks, months, years, of painful uncertainty and terror. Either way it takes a long time to heal and if you don’t have a support system it takes even longer.
I have encountered my own traumas, there aren’t many people who haven’t anymore it seems, but a long time ago, as far back as I can remember, I made a promise to myself. I vowed that the mess of this life wouldn’t change me. That I wouldn’t allow the events I had no control over reshape the core of who I am. I won that particular battle, but it came at a cost. My spirit remains intact, I kept my inner strength, my spiritualty, my code of honor, but the rest of me was badly battered and nearly broken. It took me a long time to reintegrate and repair everything and it’s still an ongoing process, but I am stronger now than I have ever been.
The point I want to make here is this: I have no regrets. I don’t regret the things I have done, I did what I had to do under the circumstances, and I have accepted that. I don’t regret what others have done to me, their motives and their own circumstances will forever be a mystery to me, and those events have made me who I am today. My core is the same, but I am very much changed. Some of those changes I am working to undo, others I have embraced as a part of me. I think at this point I can honestly say that I have forgiven them and that I accept myself for who I am. You can’t fully accept yourself when you regret the past, because all the events of our lives have changed us. Some just give us a soft nudge and others derail us entirely, but either way it becomes a part of the living tapestry of our lives.
Every time I look back it hurts, but every time I look forward again I know that I have no regrets. Part of that comes from my faith, since I believe that my life has a specific purpose I know that I am who I am supposed to be, and that I needed to go through this in order to achieve that purpose. Alternatively I racked up some bad karma in my last life and this is punishment. Either way it’s a lesson to be learned. As for the rest, well to be honest I don’t know where the rest of my lack of regret comes from. I have a theory, but that’s a post for another day. I’m writing this not because I want sympathy for the pain or admiration for the path I have chosen, or anything like that, but because I’ve heard a lot of terrible stories in my lifetime about the truly awful things that have happened to my friends, my family members, and even occasion random strangers. The unfortunate thing is that victims all too frequently become villains, it may not be their intention to be cruel, but it happens just the same. So terrible things have a tendency to spread like a virus, but it is my belief that if people are able to come to terms with the events in their lives and learn not to regret them it negates that possibility. I think in doing that people find an inner strength they never knew they had. It’s another type of magic, the one of the inner spirit.
It’s not easy, in fact I think it’s one of the hardest things anyone can do, but it’s well worth it.
I’m a bit worried that this post might be interpreted the wrong way… So I hope I didn’t come off too preachy. If I did please know it wasn’t my intention.