I usually stay away from posts like this. It’s not what I want my blog to be about, I don’t mind including real experiences here, but it’s usually tempered by philosophy or spirituality, or at least a poem or flash fiction. But as the title says I’m burnt out and I don’t have the energy to write anything but a rant. I don’t have a moral or a lesson from this, but maybe by the time I reach the end of this post, I will.
In the past year (365 days not 2013), I have moved three times and am now working on the fourth. I have suffered through a major family fallout and dealt with the aftermath, which was certainly a factor on why I failed three out of four of my classes last semester. I nearly lost my sanity. I forgot who I was for nearly six months (if you don’t know what that means be thankful). Many of my illusions were shattered. I got a tattoo. I got a job, minimum wage and part-time, but a job none the less. I set up school full time and have nearly perfect attendance. I changed my major three times in two semesters .I made a commitment to seriously start writing again. I started a blog and made a commitment to post at least once a day. I’ve begun to build a healthy, independent life of my own. Something I had always thought was beyond my reach.
I’ve slept on the floor with nothing but a foam pad and a pillow on bare cement, in a house that’s pretty much gutted. I’ve torn down nearly a whole houses worth of ceiling in a single day in ninety plus degree weather with no ac or ventilation with only my packmate Hope for assistance. I’ve lived side by side with lizards, snakes, toads, cockroaches, and spiders (they live in the house with us, no joke). Although honestly that’s the least of my complaints. It seems like all my family members are sick, dead, or dying. I’ve completely changed my diet and lifestyle. I’ve gotten new scars and healed old ones. I’ve developed a large bone spur on my shoulder blade that’s giving me some back problems. My father and I have had at least four significant fights. We’ve recently reached an understanding though and now I’m trying to develop a relationship with him.
In two to four months I’ll be moving again. I have moved seven times since I graduated high school in 2010, and I have stayed in none of those places for more than a year.
When I was a kid, high school and back, I was always told that life was going to get harder. That always depressed me badly, because life was already damn hard. I didn’t know if I could bear harder. Now I know that they were wrong. Life didn’t get harder, more complicated certainly, but not harder. Honestly, once I left my childhood home life got much, much easier. All of that is true, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I’m getting burnt out. There’s just too much going on and I need a break. There’s too much to do, and not enough time to do it. As loathe as I am to admit it, I have limits and I think this starting to approach them. I’ll survive. I always do. But something’s got to give.